Plan

 Human being even know God's word, from their sinful impulse still judge me with my appearance. 

At least, now I know the truth.

At least, I won't harbor any more illusions.

At least, I no longer fear—or hesitate—to look myself, my body image in the eye.

I've always known I have enormous potential, especially after losing weight.

Yet I allowed my body to remain in an unhealthy state, 

failing to properly care for God's temple.

(how can I not looking after the body of him, that he made and handed for me to take care, then thinking I can help and serve others even be examples to them?

It's the time God call me to know the cruel truth: It's time to discipline my body, not let it go. 

Don't worry, people. There are no "what ifs" this time.

When I return from China this summer, you won't recognize me at all.

I mean, everything. 

Posture, physique, skin, hair, sense of style. 

I really can't wait to see the look on your face when you realize what you actually did, rejecting me?  Brendon.

Also for all people in IV who didn't pay attention to me because Im not fit. 

Especially for girls, I'm so tired of seeing the most attractive person surrounded by nothing but puppies.

And all the girls I had previously gone to such lengths to please—hoping to become friends with them—ended up following her instead.

Of course I don't hold grudges. These are the very roots of my enduring insecurity. 

I have struggled with low self-esteem for my entire short life, for 16 years. Ever since the first grade—due to a congenital kidney condition that left my legs thicker than everyone else's—I have dared to wear nothing but black trousers for my entire life.

I am really tired. God knows I am tired.

I want to change; God knows I want to change. God want me change, indeed.